I’ve been very busy on the next edition of Why Planes Crash, so I don’t have an exciting new article for you. But this collection of maintenance complaints and solutions never gets old.

I know, these are just too good to be true! I did try to find the original source but I failed miserably. Someone is always named as “real reports from” US Air Force, RAF, Qantas, you name it…but nothing actually ever traces back. So really, there’s no reason to believe any of these are real. Nevertheless, I laughed. Lots.

Enjoy:

Maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

Problem: “Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.”
Solution: “Almost replaced left inside main tire.”

Problem: “Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.”
Solution: “Autoland not installed on this aircraft.”

Problem: “Something loose in cockpit.”
Solution: “Something tightened in cockpit.”

Problem: “Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.”
Solution: “Evidence removed.”

Problem: “Number three engine missing.”
Solution: “Engine found on right wing after brief search.”

Problem:Turn and slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
Solution: Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!

Problem: “DME volume unbelievably loud.”
Solution: “Volume set to more believable level.”

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.

Problem #1: “#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.”
Solution #1: “#2 Propeller seepage normal.”
Problem #2: “#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.”

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That’s what they’re there for.

Problem: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Solution: Took hammer away from midget

Problem: Aircraft handles funny.
Solution: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Problem: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
Solution: Pilot removed from aircraft.